It's taken me a while to respond to this; I hope you have a response by now.
However, the first step I'd take would be to check with your VPS provider to find out if you can create a socket the way spamd wants to do it. If not, then you may need to ask them for a workaround.
Jeff
hey there jeff
i found the solution myself

as almost always, it was something i'd done myself.
under "check server security"
one of the advises was:
You should enable extended exim logging to enable easier tracking potential outgoing spam issues. Add:
log_selector = +arguments +subject +received_recipients
to /etc/exim.conf
so i did, and then i stopped almost all mail
so i removed it again, and it worked fine again

-edit-
but now i get a lot of suspisous process running
Time: Sun Jul 26 10:12:02 2009 +0200
PID: 1067
Account: mysql
Uptime: 408895 seconds
Executable:
/usr/sbin/mysqld\00\00\00\00\00\00\00\00\00\00\00\00\00\00\00\00\00 (deleted)
The file system shows this process is running an executable file that has been deleted. This typically happens when the original file has been replaced by a new file when the application is updated. To prevent this being reported again, restart the process that runs this excecutable file. See csf.conf and the PT_DELETED text for more information about the security implications of processes running deleted executable files.
Command Line (often faked in exploits):
/usr/sbin/mysqld --basedir=/ --datadir=/var/lib/mysql --user=mysql --pid-file=/var/lib/mysql/panel.gmwhosting.nl.pid --skip-external-locking
Network connections by the process (if any):
tcp: 0.0.0.0:3306 -> 0.0.0.0:0
Files open by the process (if any):
/dev/null
/var/lib/mysql/panel.gmwhosting.nl.err
/var/lib/mysql/panel.gmwhosting.nl.err
/var/lib/mysql/ibdata1
/tmp/ibU4c1Ht (deleted)
/tmp/ibxYHhij (deleted)
/tmp/ibg2wyS8 (deleted)
/tmp/ibLiJAvY (deleted)
/var/lib/mysql/ib_logfile0
/var/lib/mysql/ib_logfile1
/tmp/iba8i0hO (deleted)
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_acl_aro_groups.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_acl_aro_sections.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_options.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_users.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_options.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_poll_date.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/print4stud_main/nieuws.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_plugins.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_session.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_sections.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_poll_menu.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_users.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_weblinks.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/print4stud_main/pagina.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_groups.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_ngg_pictures.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_menu.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_stats_agents.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_sections.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_forum_forums.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_newsfeeds.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_forum_posts.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_bannertrack.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_polls.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_forum_threads.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_postmeta.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_comments.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_session.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_log_items.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_users.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_templates_menu.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_templates_menu.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_poll_data.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_modules.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_posts.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_acl_groups_aro_map.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_polls.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_poll_menu.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_jm_portfolio_settings.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_forum_groups.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_log_searches.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_content_frontpage.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/print4stud_main/nieuws.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_usermeta.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_weblinks.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_term_taxonomy.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_categories.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_content_rating.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_acl_aro_map.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_menu_types.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_contactus_vars.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_components.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_term_relationships.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_contact_details.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_content.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/gmwhosting_main/nieuws.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_components.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_categories.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_bannertrack.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_messages.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_stats_agents.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_bannerclient.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_bannerclient.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_ngg_gallery.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_banner.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_banner.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_contact_details.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_posts.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_terms.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_terms.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_migration_backlinks.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_term_taxonomy.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_term_relationships.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_postmeta.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_acl_aro.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_contactus_vars.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_forum_threads.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_forum_forums.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_acl_aro_map.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_modules_menu.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_forum_groups.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_content.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_acl_aro_groups.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_content_frontpage.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_content_rating.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_users.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_acl_aro.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_usermeta.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_acl_aro_sections.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_acl_groups_aro_map.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_log_items.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_core_log_searches.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_groups.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_forum_posts.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_jm_portfolio_settings.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_menu.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_menu_types.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_messages.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_messages_cfg.MYI
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_messages_cfg.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_migration_backlinks.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_modules.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_modules_menu.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_newsfeeds.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_plugins.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_poll_data.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_comments.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_poll_date.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_poll_menu.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_polls.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/print4stud_main/pagina.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/gmwhosting_main/nieuws.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_ngg_gallery.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/tu1s_site/wp_ngg_pictures.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_sections.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_session.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_stats_agents.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_templates_menu.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_users.MYD
/var/lib/mysql/visagiebyb_joom/jos_weblinks.MYD
Memory maps by the process (if any):
00400000-00a60000 r-xp 00000000 08:01 264262 /usr/sbin/mysqld
00b5f000-00ca5000 rw-p 0065f000 08:01 264262 /usr/sbin/mysqld
00ca5000-00cb9000 rw-p 00ca5000 00:00 0
00da4000-00e2e000 rw-p 007a4000 08:01 264262 /usr/sbin/mysqld
16e43000-18028000 rw-p 16e43000 00:00 0 413a7000-413a8000 ---p 413a7000 00:00 0 413a8000-41da8000 rw-p 413a8000 00:00 0 41da8000-41da9000 ---p 41da8000 00:00 0 41da9000-427a9000 rw-p 41da9000 00:00 0 427a9000-427aa000 ---p 427a9000 00:00 0 427aa000-431aa000 rw-p 427aa000 00:00 0 431aa000-431ab000 ---p 431aa000 00:00 0 431ab000-43bab000 rw-p 431ab000 00:00 0 43bab000-43bac000 ---p 43bab000 00:00 0 43bac000-445ac000 rw-p 43bac000 00:00 0 445ac000-445ad000 ---p 445ac000 00:00 0 445ad000-44fad000 rw-p 445ad000 00:00 0 44fad000-44fae000 ---p 44fad000 00:00 0 44fae000-459ae000 rw-p 44fae000 00:00 0 459ae000-459af000 ---p 459ae000 00:00 0 459af000-463af000 rw-p 459af000 00:00 0 463af000-463b0000 ---p 463af000 00:00 0 463b0000-463f0000 rw-p 463b0000 00:00 0 463f0000-463f1000 ---p 463f0000 00:00 0 463f1000-46431000 rw-p 463f1000 00:00 0 46431000-46432000 ---p 46431000 00:00 0 46432000-46472000 rw-p 46432000 00:00 0 46472000-46473000 ---p 46472000 00:00 0 46473000-464b3000 rw-p 46473000 00:00 0 464b3000-464b4000 ---p 464b3000 00:00 0 464b4000-464f4000 rw-p 464b4000 00:00 0
348b400000-348b41c000 r-xp 00000000 08:01 1753093 /lib64/ld-2.5.so
348b61b000-348b61c000 r--p 0001b000 08:01 1753093 /lib64/ld-2.5.so
348b61c000-348b61d000 rw-p 0001c000 08:01 1753093 /lib64/ld-2.5.so
348b800000-348b94c000 r-xp 00000000 08:01 1753096 /lib64/libc-2.5.so
348b94c000-348bb4c000 ---p 0014c000 08:01 1753096 /lib64/libc-2.5.so
348bb4c000-348bb50000 r--p 0014c000 08:01 1753096 /lib64/libc-2.5.so
348bb50000-348bb51000 rw-p 00150000 08:01 1753096 /lib64/libc-2.5.so
348bb51000-348bb56000 rw-p 348bb51000 00:00 0
348bc00000-348bc02000 r-xp 00000000 08:01 1753099 /lib64/libdl-2.5.so
348bc02000-348be02000 ---p 00002000 08:01 1753099 /lib64/libdl-2.5.so
348be02000-348be03000 r--p 00002000 08:01 1753099 /lib64/libdl-2.5.so
348be03000-348be04000 rw-p 00003000 08:01 1753099 /lib64/libdl-2.5.so
348c400000-348c416000 r-xp 00000000 08:01 1753113 /lib64/libpthread-2.5.so
348c416000-348c615000 ---p 00016000 08:01 1753113 /lib64/libpthread-2.5.so
348c615000-348c616000 r--p 00015000 08:01 1753113 /lib64/libpthread-2.5.so
348c616000-348c617000 rw-p 00016000 08:01 1753113 /lib64/libpthread-2.5.so
348c617000-348c61b000 rw-p 348c617000 00:00 0
348cc00000-348cc82000 r-xp 00000000 08:01 1753122 /lib64/libm-2.5.so
348cc82000-348ce81000 ---p 00082000 08:01 1753122 /lib64/libm-2.5.so
348ce81000-348ce82000 r--p 00081000 08:01 1753122 /lib64/libm-2.5.so
348ce82000-348ce83000 rw-p 00082000 08:01 1753122 /lib64/libm-2.5.so
348d000000-348d009000 r-xp 00000000 08:01 1753104 /lib64/libcrypt-2.5.so
348d009000-348d208000 ---p 00009000 08:01 1753104 /lib64/libcrypt-2.5.so
348d208000-348d209000 r--p 00008000 08:01 1753104 /lib64/libcrypt-2.5.so
348d209000-348d20a000 rw-p 00009000 08:01 1753104 /lib64/libcrypt-2.5.so
348d20a000-348d238000 rw-p 348d20a000 00:00 0
348d400000-348d407000 r-xp 00000000 08:01 1753114 /lib64/librt-2.5.so
348d407000-348d607000 ---p 00007000 08:01 1753114 /lib64/librt-2.5.so
348d607000-348d608000 r--p 00007000 08:01 1753114 /lib64/librt-2.5.so
348d608000-348d609000 rw-p 00008000 08:01 1753114 /lib64/librt-2.5.so
348d800000-348d815000 r-xp 00000000 08:01 1753121 /lib64/libnsl-2.5.so
348d815000-348da14000 ---p 00015000 08:01 1753121 /lib64/libnsl-2.5.so
348da14000-348da15000 r--p 00014000 08:01 1753121 /lib64/libnsl-2.5.so
348da15000-348da16000 rw-p 00015000 08:01 1753121 /lib64/libnsl-2.5.so
348da16000-348da18000 rw-p 348da16000 00:00 0
2aaaaaab3000-2aaaaaac0000 r-xp 00000000 08:01 1753125 /lib64/libgcc_s-4.1.2-20080825.so.1.#prelink#.EL61f4 (deleted)
2aaaaaac0000-2aaaaacc0000 ---p 0000d000 08:01 1753125 /lib64/libgcc_s-4.1.2-20080825.so.1.#prelink#.EL61f4 (deleted)
2aaaaacc0000-2aaaaacc1000 rw-p 0000d000 08:01 1753125 /lib64/libgcc_s-4.1.2-20080825.so.1.#prelink#.EL61f4 (deleted)
2aaaaacc7000-2aaaaacd1000 r-xp 00000000 08:01 1753325 /lib64/libnss_files-2.5.so
2aaaaacd1000-2aaaaaed0000 ---p 0000a000 08:01 1753325 /lib64/libnss_files-2.5.so
2aaaaaed0000-2aaaaaed1000 r--p 00009000 08:01 1753325 /lib64/libnss_files-2.5.so
2aaaaaed1000-2aaaaaed2000 rw-p 0000a000 08:01 1753325 /lib64/libnss_files-2.5.so
2aaaaaed2000-2aaaabb6d000 rw-p 2aaaaaed2000 00:00 0 2aaaabe7d000-2aaaac083000 rw-p 2aaaabe7d000 00:00 0 2aaab0000000-2aaab0023000 rw-p 2aaab0000000 00:00 0 2aaab0023000-2aaab4000000 ---p 2aaab0023000 00:00 0 2ad52916d000-2ad52916e000 rw-p 2ad52916d000 00:00 0 2ad529174000-2ad529178000 rw-p 2ad529174000 00:00 0
7fff81928000-7fff8193d000 rw-p 7fff81928000 00:00 0 [stack]
ffffffffff600000-ffffffffffe00000 ---p 00000000 00:00 0 [vdso]
while /usr/sbin/mysqld and /usr/sbin/mysqld_safe are already in pig.ignore?